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What Politicians Are Doing Instead Of Running The Country

I haven’t posted in a while because, honestly, this is a depressing subject to cover. Mostly because everybody in politics is so fucking stupid. It’s depressing to think that there are actual morons running my country. It only gets MORE depressing when you realize all the people covering the morons in the media are also morons. Politics is just a bunch of people too busy smelling their own farts to actually run the country. Here are a bunch of things politicians are doing in lieu of their actual jobs.

• The Republicans are supposed to be passing a budget soon. One half of the Republican program wants to cut a bunch of federal domestic programs like Medicare and food stamps and caring about homeless people. That’s fine. That’s what Republicans do. They cut programs. It’s not like nobody expected that! Except the other half of the Republican party is like “Ehhhh, it’s an election year maybe if we cut all these programs and put millions of people out of jobs the public might, y’know, hate us.” and don’t want to pass the law. So this is what Budget and Appropriations Committee Rep. Mike Simpson (R-ID) has to say about that: “That’s problematic. We might not pass a budget, who knows?” GREAT. LETS JUST STOP TRYING. GREAT STANCE, REPUBLICANS. BRAVO. WE’LL JUST SHUT DOWN THE GOVERNMENT! THEN WE’LL GET FUCKED UP AND DRUNK TEXT OUR EXES/THAT FAT GUY WE DON’T LIKE BUT GIVES US COMPLIMENTS SO WE TALK TO HIM ANYWAY.
• Apparently Obama is broke because he doesn’t have 1 billion dollars for his campaign. Every pundit is saying it’s a big problem that he didn’t reach his 2008 “record-breaking” fundraising. Which of course he didn’t! 2008 was so 2008! It’s 2012. There’s a whole NEW set of problems. Nobody gets that you can’t put this election in a 2008 context though so democrats are so upset! Obama is like “listen, Nancy Pelosi, you can sell crack for all I care I’m not giving you any money for YOUR campaign” then hoards all the money for HIS campaign. He’s expected to raise 700 - 800 billion dollars which apparently is BULLSHIT and TOTALLY BAD. Our government is like two bad decisions away from completely shutting down and Obama is worried raising 750 million dollars isn’t enough? Why doesn’t Obama give me 750 million dollars and I will start another country to attempt a fake terrorist attack on THIS country which he can stop with his bare hands then everyone will love him again? PROBLEM SOLVED.
• Rick Santorum accused Mitt Romney of writing personal checks to Planned Parenthood. Why is this GOP nomination battle still going on? Mitt Romney is clearly going to get it. Clearly. Yet everybody is still talking about it? A note on Mitt Romney. The charicterization of political leaders today are based on the ability to connect with the common man. That’s why political leaders are fairly conservatively dressed. Just a suit, an American tie pin, a boring tie. They want you to look at them and say they’re just like me. That’s why politicians don’t dress themselves in furs, scepters and deep velvet tunics ala Louis XIV. They don’t want you to think they are above you or higher than you. It’s a good plan and it’s worked for the past hundred or so years and Mitt Romney SUCKS at this. When I look at Mitt Romney I can’t imagine we have anything in common. He oozes rich white guy who owns 8 hot tubs. He looks like he shits gold and then makes a bronze casting of that shit so that shit will survive nuclear annihilation. Someone tell Mitt Romney to get a better publicist.
• In gun rights news, this law in Maryland was deemed unconstitutional. The law made it necessarily to have a “good and substantial reason” to carry a handgun. Apparently that’s unconstitutional because of THE SECOND AMENDMENT, BRO. Lets all have guns for no reason! Not to protect ourselves or shoot deer! Just no reason at all! Remind me to never go to Baltimore.
• Evil Kiebler Elf monster, Newt Gingrich, wants gas to be $2.50 and Mitt Romney was like “U STUPID” and then Gingrich was like “You don’t understand gas prices because you’re rich!!!” (fair enough point) but then added “WHEN I WAS IN POLITICS (BEFORE I LEFT MY WIFE BECAUSE SHE HAD CANCER AND WAS REPRIMANDED FOR 84 DIFFERENT ETHICS VIOLATIONS) GAS WAS $1.19!!!!” Thanks, Newt. That’s the exact argument my 97 year-old grandfather would use. “IN MY DAY THE MOVING PICTUREZ COST A PENNY!!!”

Jobs! Jobs! Jobs! Jobs! Jobs! Jobs!

Obama is talking about jobs! Rick Perry, Secret Democrat, is talking about jobs! Everyone is talking about jobs! The only catch: Nobody has jobs except for the people talking about how nobody has them.

Tomorrow night Obama is preparing to make a big speech about how he’s going to give America more jobs. How he’s going to lift America out of this post 9/11 pit and employ everyone. Maybe he will pay us to vote? I will gladly take the job of “Paid Voter.” Obama’s plan apparently involves a 300 billion dollar jobs plan. Obama’s plan is going to focus on education, infrastructure, and innovation. I agree with the infrastructure- roads are awesome. Nobody understands how awesome roads are. If you want to see an example of infrastructure that needs to improve, perhaps you should try to drive over the Kosciuszko Bridge during rush hour. Or better yet- try to take a bus in Los Angeles. I think it’s a good idea to funnel money into better city systems, the MTA (lord knows they need cash) and urban planning. Even though society is collapsing, our buildings don’t need to collapse. Remember- most of our most iconic architecture was built during the Great Depression. The Statue of Liberty, the Hoover Dam, and Mount Rushmore were all built then. I’m pretty sure people were bitching more than you are now in the Great Depression, and we pulled out of that one? I mean it took a war and looting all of Europe. BUT WE CAN LOOT THEM AGAIN, RIGHT?

Education. Yes. If there is a group of people with no jobs it is teachers. I am all for giving teachers jobs. I went to public school in DISD and those people really needed to get paid more. Not because they were particularly great teachers, but that they resorted to extorting money from the public school system to pay their bills. Republicans want to reform education by basically eliminating public schools and instead offering credits to families in order to send their kids to private schools as well as enhancing the charter school system. So, basically they want citizens to pay for schooling instead of the government paying for public schools. I mean that doesn’t make that much sense, right? Are they going to pay just as much to families in tax credits for education as they did on public schooling? What’s going to happen is irresponsible parents will use their education credits elsewhere and kids won’t learn how to read. The public school system is in dire straights right now but reform is not found in charging more money for schools.

Innovation… I’m not QUITE sure what this means. Does this mean that the government is going to invest in INVENTIONS? Will Doc Brown get a sweet government contract? I’m sure this means government investments in greener (but not green, being green is not bipartisan) initiatives and MAYBE DRILLING. Drilling creates jobs too, you know. FUCK, ALASKA, RIGHT???

This is what an Obama aide said:
-Resemble job proposals that had bipartisan support in the past. 
-They can be acted upon quickly.
-Will be paid for in the budget 
-Will have an immediate impact on an unemployment rate that stands at 9.1%.

Well. That’s the hope, right?

John McCain Update

I have a John McCain cardboard cut-out in my bedroom. It makes any sleepover a unique experience. Do I think Former POW and GOP Presidential candidate helps me sleep better at night? You bet your ass I do. What does McCain have to say today? He says that Obama should be commended for the unraveling of Gaddafi, huge douche and murderous Libyan dictator. However, he also said “IF IT WAS UPTA ME I’D SEND ALL DEM AIRFORCE PLANEZ OVER THERE AND I PROMISE YOU THIS WULDNT BE A SITCH BECAUSE THERE WULDNT BE A LIBYA YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” I paraphrased but that’s basically the gist. Check the Politico and CNN headlines today. No mention of the terrible economy, terrible healthcare bill or any terrible domestic problems. I guess that’s one way to solve your problems: making note that while the US has problems, Libya has much WORSE problems. Sigh.

Leave Barack Obama’s Vacation Alone

Today Politico posted an article about strategic places Obama should vacation because Martha’s Vineyard is full of rich white people nobody likes. As much as I don’t like to admit it, I was a little perturbed when I was reading about Obama’s upcoming vacation to Martha’s Vineyard. Mostly because why is there money for Barack Obama to go on vacation to Martha’s Vineyard and no money for me to go on vacation to Martha’s Vineyard? No, seriously: the markets crashed today for the fourth time this month, everything is going to hell and Obama goes to Martha’s Vineyard. That stirs up a little emotion in me, I won’t lie. However, I think I’m pretty stupid for thinking that. Who am I to dictate the terms of Barack Obama’s vacations? Politico, CNN and Fox News don’t think they’re stupid for thinking that however. They write big, fancy news articles debating the vacation of a 50 year-old man and his family.

I feel it pertinent to mention Obama has a big public address planned after Labor Day which will hopefully solve the country’s economic problems, spur resolve in our sad old cynical hearts and sew together Democrats and Republicans into a beautiful quilt of getting along people. I mean, it probably won’t do those things but that’s the plan, right? That this address will do those things? So, it’s not like he’s going to do what I do when he goes on vacation. I don’t think Obama will say “I think I’ll turn off my phone, sit by the pool and drink Mai Tai’s all afternoon.” I’m pretty sure this will be a working vacation for him. Also, how many articles have to be written about this man sucking before he gets a vacation? Barack Obama has feelings too and sometimes he needs to take a break from DC and press conferences. Being president is hard! Leave him alone! You press are vultures. Not vultures I’d say but it’s not like the guy is neglecting all his responsibilities.Something tells me the President of the United States’ vacation isn’t going to be bar-hopping in Massachusetts. Plus, this is one vacation- I’m pretty sure ol’ W. spent his entire eight years in the White House on vacation. Also, who cares if it’s Martha’s Vineyard? If he wants to go and he has the means then for God’s sake, let him go. I’m sure you would go to Martha’s Vineyard over Disney World. It doesn’t make him less American to go on expensive vacations. If anything, it makes him MORE American.

Perhaps you could pose the argument that Obama is the face of this nation and if he goes on vacation the entire world will think we’re not working hard to fix our problems. I guess you could make that argument. But maybe you should make this argument instead: Why is Obama already devoting time and energy campaigning and fundraising across the country when everything sucks so hard? Where is that article, MSNBC?

Obamacare: A Very Brief Summary

It’s not actually called Obamacare. Obama wants you to know that. He wants you to know that he cares! He cares more than Republicans! Republicans call the Affordable Care Act Obamacare and THEY DUMB says Obama. It’s just health care reform. You know that law everyone talks about but nobody really knows about. That one.

Initially…

In 2008 Obama campaigned for a government health care option. A plan you could buy from the government at a low rate that provided health insurance for all. If you couldn’t afford it there would be government subsidies. It was meant for the American people to circumvent the greed of insurance companies and choose a public option.

However…

Obama changed his mind. He was under pressure froma  lot of companies and politicians. He couldn’t get a public option passed. Too much government spending. Republicans HATE government spending if you haven’t noticed. So the health care bill morphed into the Affordable Care Act which is what was passed in 2009.

What the Affordable Care Act entails:

1. Government individual mandate that requires EVERYONE to purchase a health care insurance plan. Unless you’re registered as a Christian Scientist or another religious person who don’t like doctors.
2. Up to %133 of the federal poverty line qualifies for Medicaid.
3. Insurance companies are required to offer the same premium to everyone without regard to pre-existing medical conditions (except smoking, higher premiums for yall.)
4. Low income families up to 400% of the poverty line will recieve subsidies from the government in order to buy insurance plans. All on a sliding scale.
5. Firms over 50 people will have to pay higher taxes if the government has to subsidize their employees health care.
6. Small businesses are eligible to receive subsidies to purchase insurance for their employees.
7. Restructuring Medicare so it’s not “fee-for-service” payments, but “bundled payments.”
8. CLASS ACT services for community living assistance.
9. Introduction of minimum standards for health insurance policies.
10. Policies issued before the law came into effect are grandfathered in and are mostly not affected by the new rules. (Basically why the fuck does 9 matter even 10 is here? How can you set minimum standards for policies if all policies issued before the law are grandfathered.)
11. Also: You can be on your parents health care until your 26 UNLESS they are retired. Then I guess you’re fucked.

Stuff everyone thought would be included but wasn’t:

1. Legislation regarding purchasing drugs from Canada.
2. Reducing the age requirement of Medicare.
3. Limiting malpractice awards.

Why it might suck:

It costs a lot of money! Nearly 1 trillion dollars of government spending in one year. While the act calls for taxes on Cadillac Insurance plans (reallllly expensive plans) and households with an income over 200,000 dollars. Also: tons of excise taxes and a tax on indoor tanning. That’s only accounts for 400 billion extra revenue in the next ten years. Not even half the cost of the law.

On a personal level: Why should I buy health care? Or why should the government make me buy health care? That’s why this law is probably going to the Supreme Court. That’s kind of limiting my freedom to choose isn’t it? It’s stupid of me not to choose health care but I should be able to choose that, shouldn’t I? It’s the American way. 

Max Baucus was the Senator who championed this deal and he accepted over 2.5 million dollars from health insurance companies. Kind of a conflict of interest, right?

In conclusion…

If Obama doesn’t get re-elected this thing is going to be repealed immediately so everybody is in limbo. Health insurance providers are taking a hit so they’re freaking out and changing their policies on the daily.  Republicans are using this law as some sort of cornerstone of their smear campaigns. It’s definitely going to be very expensive no matter what. Health care reform is a nice thing. It should be done better. Maybe it will get better. My only advice to you know is to not get sick for a few years.